Tag: writer’s baby


My Secrets To Healthy Living

The old saying goes “Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.” So every morning I pillage my neighbor’s oatmeal and newspaper because I’m the Viking King. Then I don’t eat for the rest of the day; I don’t want my status to depreciate.

I go running every day. Even if I’m on my honeymoon at a secluded Cabo bungalow that doesn’t have a treadmill, I’ll jog outside the premises until I get lost. Then I will sprint through scary Mexican backstreets with tears streaking off my face.

I don’t drink soda unless I’m at the movies — or a friend’s house and soda is offered. I don’t eat junk food, unless I’m at that same friend’s house and a hot dog falls on the ground and I’m dared to eat it. Then I’ll chase that hot dog with nachos, a milkshake and several deep-fried Twinkies.

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18 Things I Didn’t Appreciate About Susan Until She Was Gone.

This week my wife, Susan Morton, left me. I’m devastated and completely alone, until she returns from her Caribbean cruise this Sunday.

Six months ago Susan’s mom secured a fantastic deal on a Manhattan-to-Bermuda cruise. Susan had no choice but to accompany her after my mother-in-law’s original +1, Satan, dropped out a few weeks back.

It’s been a long and lonely birthday week. Thankfully Susan’s been sending daily photos of open water captioned with uplifting messages, such as these two:

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Alternative Childbirth Options.

Water Birth
Your baby is born immersed in water. A passing dolphin chews through the umbilical cord and whisks your newborn into the ocean. The child returns on the dawn of its 18th birthday, riding atop a giant sea turtle, to choose a Land Walker spouse.

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5 Mistakes All New Parents Make.

Let me begin by stating I have no children of my own.

I’m still waiting for the ideal womb to come along. My wife knows about this and is completely supportive, I’m assuming.

That being said, I do regularly observe my friends raising their own children. Acting as a silent participant, I watch as these friends improperly perform many simple parenting tasks. (I say “watch” although it’s more cringing than watching.)

It’s almost too laughable to go into detail. The thousands of daily, minute parenting skills so many parents get wrong.

Do I correct my friends? No, that would be extremely rude. Rather, I write an in-depth blog post about their parental negligence for the world to view.

Are my motives perverse and intrusive? Not at all. I’m simply a concerned parent of an unborn baby.

My goal is always clear: Above all else, I want every new parent to absorb the helpful parenting skills I’ve acquired — skills I’ve honed through the art of never raising my own child.

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