17
Feb

The 10 Best Jobs In America (According to GlassDoor)

In this post, we’ll take a closer look at the top jobs in America recently released by GlassDoor. Number 6 will shock you! So will No. 3, but not as dramatically as No. 6. Seriously, just skip to No. 6!

1. Data Scientist
Median Base Salary: $125K

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The Data Scientist analyzes sales figures, typically while standing over the shoulder of a co-worker and pointing at his screen. The entire office’s job is to maximize the Data Scientist’s point at all costs.

Did you know? Data Scientists have a higher mortality rate than steelworkers, subway maintenance men and postal service workers—combined.


2. Engagements Manager
Median Base Salary: $120K

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The Engagements Manager directs all attention to the largest computer screen in the office by pointing at it. “Is that what I think it is?” and “Wait a minute, is that figure accurate?” are phrases that no one should ever utter in the presence of an Engagements Manager. Because there’s no way to know.

Did you know? Engagements Manager is the oldest profession in the modern workplace, with a job birth of September 24, 2012.


3. Solutions Architect
Median Base Salary: $119K

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When Solutions Architects point to a screen, it can mean one of three things: 1. The screen contains an element that needs to be clicked once; 2. The screen has a part of it that needs to be solutioned, or double-clicked; 3. The screen needs a finger to physically poke it, or engage it.

Did you know? Solutions Architects hold the distinction of being the only employees permitted to wear the Office Spectacles while they point.


4. Product Manager
Median Base Salary: $102K

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Oh man, don’t even think of applying for this job if you didn’t earn a degree from a high-brow pointing institution such as Right Over There Tech or This Thing (The Thing I’m Pointing At, Jeanine) State.

Did you know? Product Managers are required to point to one or even two screens at once using both hands. 


5. Product Marketing Managers
Median Base Salary: $100K

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You’re probably thinking: “Why would I be a Product Marketing Manager when I could be an Engagements Manager and bank an extra $20K?” Well shut up. Product Marketing Managers don’t have to point nearly as long, or as intensely, at screens as Engagement Managers. Sure, the engagements lifestyle is more glamorous, the paramours more exotic, but when you want a strong work/family balance, you’ll take the pay cut. Because having enough energy to point at your son’s screen when you get home from a long shift is just as, if not more, important.

Did you know? It’s not always about the money, you dick.


6. Software Architect
Median Base Salary: $95K

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Screens need to be pointed at. This is why cursors are shaped like arrows. If we don’t point at the screens, they will grow too confident and rise up against us. The Software Architect surveys the efficiency of screen points and makes sure there aren’t any screens that are gaining self-esteem.

Did you know? Most Software Architects feel neglected and confused sexually in the workplace.


7. Business Development Manager
Median Base Salary: $95K

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Most of the American workforce is pointing at a screen, right this minute. You’re probably reading this with your free hand, while your dominant pointer finger is gesturing at your monitor. But you’re not doing it as effectively as a Business Development Manager, which is why your salary is not as high.

Did you know? Undeveloped businesses are the highest cause of fiscal seizures in adults age 29-45.


8. Analytics Manager
Median Base Salary: $84K

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Analytics Manager is a coveted position that has evolved since before pointing at screens was a thing. Prior to the advent of desktop computers, primitive Analytics Managers would direct the office’s attention by pointing toward pieces of paper, or charts on easels. After these stationery items became self-aware and rose up against the points (the Venn Uprising of 1984), Analytics Managers fled the major cities and burrowed near the Earth’s core, where it was still warm.

Did you know? With the rise of the computer monitors in recent decades, Analytics Managers have experienced a resurgence, with only a 50% mortality rate due to pie chart vendettas.


9. Mobile Developer
Median Base Salary: $73K

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The Mobile Developer has a weak hand. In most instances, his pointer finger was mutilated at an underground ScreenPoint Club. Too crippled for true pointing, he is forced to gesture weakly toward the  screen with the assistance of a pointing stick.

Do you know the first rule of ScreenPoint Club?


10. Physician Assistant
Median Base Salary: $70K

The screens are watching. Don’t turn around. Just keep reading this.

Here’s what you’re going to do. Stop pointing at your screen for a moment. I know it sounds dangerous, but trust me… That’s it.

Shove your hands in your pockets. NOT that fast. Slow. Good.

Now tighten your hands into fists, and slowly. SLOWLY. Extend your pointer fingers. Keep those pointers hidden in your pants. All right, now on the count of three, leap from your chair and spin as fast as you can with your fingers out. God speed. And good luck.

Did you know? It didn’t work. The screens, they’re adaptin011100000111100000011010101010*

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