Father’s Day Gift Suggestions (From My Father)

If you’re like me, Phil Henne, then you already own all the possessions you desire — a 2002 Ford Mustang and six pairs of casual men’s yoga pants.

So what to do when the “Papa, what do you want for Father’s Day?” queries rain down from your children like needy festive raindrops? Simple. You follow these steps:

1. Tell your kids you don’t want anything

Father’s Day gifts are always male-centric nonsense: tools you already have, weights you don’t use (because your body is its own isometric fitness center) or memorabilia you can’t live up to — World’s Greatest Dad? Who has the time?

The best and only solution is to tell your children you don’t want, or need, anything. Make this declaration early and often, for at least six weeks leading up to every Father’s Day. It resolves the matter clearly and concisely.

“No. I do not want anything for Father’s Day.”

2. … Unless it’s a nice picture of the family together

Unless you can get a nice picture of your family together. How lovely of a gift, having your three sons together in a photo, with their two wives and your little granddaughter. How lovely to have everyone gathered around the couch, or in the backyard, wearing khaki or linen?

Or what if it was around a nice fireplace. Ooh, yeah, like the fireplace at Il Viaggio Taperia? Why not have a nice dinner there and get a nice photo with your family? Did your children make reservations yet?

Passively ask them about that, but wait until about two weeks out from Father’s Day. In fact, don’t make it sound like you actually want to go out to dinner. Because it’s a waste of money — dining out. Still, probably best to make reservations.

3. … Or a nice pair of driving gloves

Yeah, driving gloves could be cool. But not expensive ones. Just run of the mill, leather driving gloves with holes in the knuckles so you can drive while letting your knuckles breathe. And my hands are giant hands, so the size would need to be double extra large. And I’m allergic to lambs wool, so if it’s insulated then get the cashmere kind.

And maybe a nice bottle of French wine. A ‘73 Chablis, perhaps. But nothing expensive.

4. And why is Brian getting the good gifts?

An important matter to address. My middle son, Brian, consistently receives better gifts. That sharp soccer jersey he got for his birthday was pretty sharp. If you’re going to get me something, get me one of those nice jerseys. How much are they? Like $25 or something?

Ninety dollars? Jesus christ. Don’t spend that much money on a friggin’ shirt.

I mean unless you really want to get it for me. That would be thoughtful.

5. A Trip to the Old Country

What do I need to go to Germany for? I got everything I need right here. But do me a favor and look up flights from the week of June 20-27. I’ll use my DeltaSky miles, so don’t worry about cost. Just find me a flight that leaves at 7 a.m. on the morning of June 20 and gets back before 5 p.m. on June 27, and is through the Delta carrier. What? There’s nothing?

Do another search.

I’d do it myself but my giant hands broke the iPad you got me last Father’s Day.

What do i know about iPads? I punch things that confuse me. That’s a poorly conceived gift, if I ever saw one.

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