Category: Unsolicited Advice

03
May

3 Ways to Repurpose Your Out-of-Season Candles

Susan likes to keep candles around the apartment. At least five in each room.

candlesforsusan

Here are all the candles currently residing in our four-room apartment, which I gathered and displayed end-to-end. I took this photo while Susan was napping. She doesn’t like having candles rearranged for selfish reasons.

 

We own a candle simply named “Autumn” that is displayed prominently by the door. It’s the first thing a guest sees when they visit, in early May. We own a candle called “Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin.” If there was a Hanukkah-scented candle for sale in lieu of scentless menorahs, we’d have several of those laying around from mitzvahs past.

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07
Feb

How To Celebrate The Super Chinese New Year’s Eve Bowl.

Tonight is the Super Chinese New Year’s Eve Bowl. How should you celebrate? What should you eat? How many children should you conceive at halftime? The answers will shock you.

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06
Mar

Warby Parker Glasses Unboxing

Warby Parker (WP) is a popular Internet retailer specializing in eyeglasses and sunglasses. WP has several physical locations in New York City, however most of its business comes from its modern, user-friendly website. There are no complications or pitches to sell you higher-end “anti-glare, transition, cataract-preventing” B.S. accessories. Just direct access to hip designs with honest price tags.

Warby Parker is changing the way legally blind people like myself order new frames.

Today, less than a week after placing an order for the chic Bensen frames, I received my package in the mail. Would the product live up to my expectations? I’ve logged the unboxing process here. You won’t believe to what measures Warby Parker goes for its customers!

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20
Feb

Every Long Island Marshalls, Ranked (Nos. 10-1).

New to the list? Check out part one of the Marshalls countdown (nos. 21-11) here.

10. Oceanside

oceanside

F. Scott Fitzgerald said “It is sadder to find the past again and find it inadequate to the present than it is to have it elude you and remain forever a harmonious conception of memory.” What a fitting quote to describe the Oceanside Marshalls.

In 2003 I bought a heavily discounted pair of Diesel jeans here, size 28wx30l (Ugh, I know! Kale cleanse, please!) on the Final Clearance rack. The jeans helped me through my formative college years until they were tragically cut short after a misguided “lets turn these full-length jeans into cutoff jean shorts” phase in 2006.

I haven’t been back to the Oceanside Marshalls since. I don’t know if I’ll ever return. Its pristine, preserved memory is enough for it to reach No. 10 on our list.

C’est la vie.

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19
Feb

Every Long Island Marshalls, Ranked (Nos. 21-11).

21. East Islip

Converted from an abandoned Cheap John’s in Summer 1992, the East Islip Marshalls is a pastiche of 20th Century couture. Microsoft Zune and NOOK E-reader accessories adorn the checkout line racks. Pullover hoodies reading “B.U.M. Equipment” in all caps dominate the winter racks. The fitting rooms are atrociously maintained and disgustingly painted in neons. None of the staff answer to “Marshall!” which is an added disappointment.

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17
Feb

Alternative Childbirth Options.

Water Birth
Your baby is born immersed in water. A passing dolphin chews through the umbilical cord and whisks your newborn into the ocean. The child returns on the dawn of its 18th birthday, riding atop a giant sea turtle, to choose a Land Walker spouse.

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13
Feb

Why You Should Cancel Your ‘Cat Fancy’ Subscription RIGHT NOW.

As a writer of tasteless short fiction, I’m used to rejection letters. Most of my magazine submissions are quickly returned with a brief “No thank you” or a longer “This isn’t what we’re looking for, sorry.” If I’m lucky, I receive a personalized postscript with constructive feedback, such as “Mr. Henne, this is an Applebee’s; please stop submitting your short fiction to this mailing address.”

I never take rejection personally. Over the years I’ve developed quite the thick skin. Go aheadtouch my hand. Cracked and leathery, right? Like a old catcher’s mitt that hasn’t trimmed its nails.

I rarely react to rejection. With one exception: I cannot stand by as my material is openly ridiculed.

Now, I’m of the mind that all art is relevant. Whether it be a poop-smeared painting or a tale about simple townsfolk wearing alien super suits, a piece of art is the cherished product of a real person — a person with actual feelings who deserves to be treated with respect. If I don’t like somebody’s work, that’s perfectly fine, but that doesn’t give me permission to mock it.

Which us brings us to the savages at Cat Fancy.

I don’t typically take to the blog to shake my fist at a publication. But I’ve got no other course of action here.

Over the last few years, the managing editors of Cat Fancy magazine have treated myself and my art like garbage. My submissions have routinely been met with mean-spirited rancor and wholesale rejection.

It’s time to return the favor.

Below, I’ve reproduced a scathing response I sent to the magazine earlier today. I hope my readers will think twice before shelling out their hard-earned money on Cat Fancy, with its nose-in-the-air editorial staff lounging atop their ivory scratching post.

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11
Feb

Could This Be The Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Of Your Life?

It’s not often that Valentine’s Day and Presidents’ Day fall on the same three-day weekend. It’s a rare, sensual happening.

The last VP Weekend was more than a century ago, in February 1913. It was so historically sexy that a whopping three presidents were conceived in a 72-hour span: Nixon, Ford, and Stephen J. Shiller (president of Blinds To Go, Inc.).

Where does the erotic link between Valentine’s and Presidents’ Day originate?

Astrologers claim that the two holidays commingle heavily, but only during a perfect lunar cycle — when the waning moon is fully waxed in quivering anticipation — does a true VP Weekend occur.

Even if you disregard the stars, the partnership is a logical one. Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, shares a strong flirtatious link with Presidents’ Day, the second-most seductive day on the calendar.

What’s that? How is Presidents’ Day the second-most sexy day of the year? Because presidents are kings of seduction. Luring the American public into their bedchambers. Promising equal representation and fair pay. Pulling out at the last minute. Filibustering all over our 800-thread count sheets.

Presidents’ and Valentine’s Day are a celestial and physical match. A perfect wine and cheese pairing for the loins. That’s why there’s a natural attraction in the ether which you must capitalize on before it dissipates by February 17.

Fellas, I’m begging you, do not squander this rare opportunity for love. Treat your significant other to an exotic, 50 Shades-esque VP Weekend of carnal pleasures. Because this merged holiday exists solely for pampering yourself and your lover.

But how should couples unfamiliar with the significance of the event properly seize VP Weekend 2015?

It’s simple…

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29
Jan

5 Mistakes All New Parents Make.

Let me begin by stating I have no children of my own.

I’m still waiting for the ideal womb to come along. My wife knows about this and is completely supportive, I’m assuming.

That being said, I do regularly observe my friends raising their own children. Acting as a silent participant, I watch as these friends improperly perform many simple parenting tasks. (I say “watch” although it’s more cringing than watching.)

It’s almost too laughable to go into detail. The thousands of daily, minute parenting skills so many parents get wrong.

Do I correct my friends? No, that would be extremely rude. Rather, I write an in-depth blog post about their parental negligence for the world to view.

Are my motives perverse and intrusive? Not at all. I’m simply a concerned parent of an unborn baby.

My goal is always clear: Above all else, I want every new parent to absorb the helpful parenting skills I’ve acquired — skills I’ve honed through the art of never raising my own child.

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26
Jan

10 Blizzard Tips To Know Before You Die.

10. Wait before shoveling your driveway.

Resist the urge. Do not shovel your driveway until hours, preferably days after the storm has passed.

No matter how sexy your driveway is looking, all white and fluffy and waiting to be dominated — abstain from shoveling until the patrolling snowplows have finished their routes.

These plows are on our streets to help, but have a tendency to kick 10-foot walls of the white stuff back onto your property, counteracting any early shoveling you may have put in.

Also, there’s always a chance neighborhood children will shovel your driveway in exchange for cash and Turkish Delight.

In conclusion, shoveling early is anti-productive and takes money directly from the pockets of our hardest-working laborers — our children.

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13
Jan

7 Simple Steps to Overcoming Stress.

From the grand “What am I doing with my life?” worries to nightly concerns over penis size, stressors require hours, days or months to properly address. And even then, lingering worries can lay dormant — manifesting in the form of a sudden outburst or caffeine pill addiction.

Where does stress come from? How do we regulate bad stress (paranoia, unfounded fears) and take advantage of good stress (new sex stuff)?

The answer lies within.

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