Category: Secrets

14
Sep

Hot Orgies In Your Area Are Looking For You!

Mostly because our usual +1, Gordon, has fallen out of favor.

Gordon is a classic example of how NOT to behave at an orgy. He’s consistently late, or brings the wrong animal mask.

Gordon’s the type of orgy participant who’ll get caught in traffic, forget his overnight bag of essential orgy items, and think it’s fine to show up halfway through the orgy with a 60-count of Dunkin’ Donut munchkins. Like those donut holes will make up for the neglected human holes.

Continue Reading..

03
Jul

9 Other Times Shia LaBeouf Plagiarized Song Lyrics

Shia LaBeouf made headlines this week, plagiarizing The Anomalies during a topless freestyle — the most high-stakes strain of rapping imaginable. The offending verse? “Rare commodity/The quality is what it’s got to be/And my philosophy/Is much farther than what your eyes can see.”

This isn’t the first instance, either. Shia LaBeouf has ripped off performance artists for years. In case you missed it, here are the most recent examples of Shia plagiarizing musicians.

Continue Reading..

10
Jun

Successful New Business Ideas Ready For Market.

The next big thing is out there. Watching you from that elm tree outside your bedroom window. Peering through a set a binoculars. Using a free hand to tease its hard nipples.

Here are the Top 5 new business ideas we need to get out there, like today.

Continue Reading..

27
Feb

9 Secrets of Successful Public Speakers.

9. They rally troops before an alien invasion

alienpublicspeaking

Next time you’re at the podium, visualize everyone in their underwear—and under threat of an alien invasion that is sure to wipe out all life on earth. You’ll find that any stress you had about announcing your company’s poor fourth quarter has disappeared. Because the fourth quarter is our Independence Quarter! Whitmore/Edelson Holdings is not vanishing without a fight! Humankind and the Dallas office may be on the brink of extinction, but we’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!

8. They brandish a weapon while a bloodthirsty mob surrounds them

denzel

There’s always a speech brewing when you’re brandishing a weapon. But none more poignant than when you’re brandishing a weapon while being surrounded by a bloodthirsty mob. It’s an intense, high-risk/reward training exercise that only the best public speakers use. You won’t find any flustered heads crippled under the weight of the moment here. Just successful public speakers warding off potential murderers with articulate speech and impassioned spitting. And a weapon.

Continue Reading..

20
Jan

10 Celebrities You Probably Didn’t Know Are From Long Island.

10. Bob Costas

Television’s Bob Costas was raised and educated right here in Commack!

Deceptively elderly despite his years, Bob Costas’ Long Island upbringing is shrouded in mystery.

Legend has it that — after a Suffolk County pixie promised him everlasting life — a teenaged Costas drank from the mythical waters of Lake Ronkonkoma. The enchanted liquid preserved Costas’ youthful visage, and he went on to make millions as a broadcaster/telecommunications marketer.

But the gift of eternal youth came at a steep price.

With every passing year, Lake Ronkonknkoma would seek restitution by stealing a consonant from Bob Costas’ first-born child.

Now, Costas shows his remorse for the pact he made centuries ago in the only way he knows how: By crying tears of blood during each Olympic broadcast.

Continue Reading..

15
Jan

5 Secrets The NHL Doesn’t Want You To Know.

5. The Players Used to Wear Adorable Sweaters

Before donning oversized mesh jerseys and layers of padding, players from decades past wore sweaters and little else. 

Did you know original jerseys of the National Hockey League were made of high-quality wool? It’s true. Every official NHL sweater was hand-made by a team’s GM (GrandMother), who was in charge of knitting the team’s shirts, socks and jockstraps.

The GM was also responsible for drumming up business — GMs would promote team games during Bridge with their girlfriends, and by cooking plenty of piping hot celery soup for the fans in attendance. To this day, GMs like Rosemarie Leaf and Nancy Yancy (N.Y.) Rangers set the groundwork for future franchise GMs.

The NHL doesn’t want you to know your overpriced jersey pales in comparison to the personalized handmade sweaters of the olden days. But it REALLY doesn’t want you to learn that…

Continue Reading..