Category: On Writing


Address To Graduating Class At Bennington College Of Wrestling

I hope you will all be very happy as members of the professional wrestling class in America. I myself have been rejected again and again. Mostly from consciousness. By unforgiving steel chairs.

Continue Reading..


The Fight Scene From Netflix’s Daredevil Eats Lunch

The scene opens on a bowl of New England clam chowder, steaming enticingly. Suddenly a spoon (a soup spoon) penetrates the surface of the chowder. The hefty spoonful is raised from the bowl up, up, up. We see that this spoon is wielded by a henchman sitting in a seedy rundown apartment.

Continue Reading..


Brother, Can You Spare A Little Christmas?

Right now we’ve only got this little Hanukkah. Which, when you consider the amount of days it’s spread across, is just not enough.

What’d really raise our spirit is the pure high of a little Christmas. And you seem like a nice kid, maybe with some good will toward men you ain’t already using.

So what do you say? For, me and my friend here, we need a little Christmas … right this very minute!

Continue Reading..


And On Which Day Of Christmas Is My True Love Going to Clean Up All This Bird Shit?

Don’t get me wrong. On the first day of Christmas I was completely smitten with the pear plant. But things went downhill, real fast.

I live in a cramped studio apartment. You knew that, babe. And at this moment I got seven swans a-swimming in their own liquid feces. Seven skittish swans, riled up from six extremely territorial geese that have compromised the living area with in-your-face a-laying.

Continue Reading..


The Dangling Modifier At The End Of This Blog Post.

What did that say? On the title, what did that say? Did that say that there will be a dangling modifier at the end of this blog post? It did? Reading the title again, my stomach just dropped. Oh I’m so scared of dangling modifiers!

Continue Reading..


Taking The Fear Out Of A Blank Sheet Of Paper.

Clear your workspace of all clutter. Turn off your cellphone, television, iPad — any and all distractions. Establish that this writing session has been set aside for the two of you to experiment: Just you, and your blank sheet of paper.

Dim the lights. Turn up the light jazz, and the thermostat to Fahrenheit 450: The temperature at which a blank sheet paper releases every inhibition.

Continue Reading..