07
Mar

Build Your Own Republican Candidate!

Race

  1. White
  2. Black
  3. Asian
  4. Hispanic
  5. Probably not a good idea to venture this far down, have you considered “1”?

Gender

  1. Male
  2. Female
  3. Does not identify as male or female
  4. Identifies as both male and female
  5. Too rich to identify with lower-class construct of “Gender”

Hair

  1. Chestnut brown
  2. Jet black
  3. Burnt auburn
  4. Fabulous blonde
  5. An expensive wig of golden spider-silk

Eyes

  1. Blue
  2. Green
  3. Just the one
  4. True black, the depths of which know no bottom
  5. … of defeated foes worn as ceremonial necklace

Upbringing

  1. Child of rich businessman
  2. Only child of rich businessman
  3. Father of rich businessman
  4. Grand Vizier
  5. Harvested in Koch brothers’ secret underground lab

Campaign platform

  1. Business
  2. Fear
  3. Ethnocentrism
  4. Suppressing the marginalized
  5. Committing atrocities, both foreign and domestic, but with panache

No. 1 priority

  1. Coddling America
  2. Punching a fistful of Christianity at anything in swinging range
  3. Making sure three-piece suit matches the tone of that day’s mass shooting
  4. Airdropping bootstraps to inner cities
  5. Wrangling up the extremist Muslims, converting them into harmless extremist Christians

Equally as prioritized second priority

  1. Abolish free health care, worldwide
  2. Displace all the illegals, preferably into a chasm of some sort
  3. Dangle basic human rights just out of reach for any and all women
  4. Give more guns to American citizens—even those who don’t want guns (ESPECIALLY those that don’t want guns)
  5. Return the stolen Ms. Universe scepter to the U.S.

Also-as-important third priority

  1. Retroactively grant Jesus American citizenship
  2. Ban dancing
  3. Gold-plate all the monuments
  4. Construct turrets atop every elementary school
  5. Require all superheroes to register

Proposed educational reform

  1. Put religion back into morning prayer
  2. Fewer textbooks, more picture books (for easier reading during photo ops)
  3. Distribute chastity slacks to every boy and girl
  4. More corporate sponsors so kids can study which sodas have the most tubular flavor crystals
  5. More state-mandated testing to identify low-performing teachers, who will then be entered into televised Teacher Deathmatches to prove their efficiency

Proposed social reform

  1. Consolidate three trimesters into one single mester, so pregnant females can’t do any funny business with fetuses
  2. Have the gays wear special hats (so no confusion during photo ops)
  3. Allow terminally ill patients to undergo assisted suicide by wielding automatic weapons and defending our borders
  4. Plug index fingers into ears and shake head vigorously
  5. New American flag design with more stripes, stars and patriotic glitter

If forced to declare war tomorrow

  1. Russia
  2. Iran
  3. Denise
  4. Each of them countries that looks like ISIS
  5. Any nation that gets lippy upon routine introductory bombing

First words in office, if elected

  1. “Yes… yes this will do.”
  2. “Where is the pillowed place where I am to recycle my neutrinos? The bed room. Yes.”
  3. “Oh God, the campaign drugs are wearing off…”
  4. “You there, boy! You shall be my Secretary of Hankerings. Now go — I require candied hams and sweet tea!”
  5. “AMERICA!!” *Raises head from ritual goat husk*

Reason for eventual impeachment, if elected

  1. Wearing wrong country’s flag pin on lapel
  2. Assassination attempt on chatty congressman who ruined the ending to Turner and Hooch
  3. Secretly empowering the noble gases
  4. Bad breath
  5. Stealing the Congressional rhubarb pie as it cools on Senate windowsill

Last words in office, if elected

  1. “I’m the President! I say when it’s safe to disembark from my own helicopter!”
  2. “I bet you that ‘gun’ is filled with rubber hippie bullets, you liberal scum.”
  3. “You can’t kill me. I veto death!”
  4. “This isn’t my waistcoat.”
  5. “The blue drapes. No, the white. No, wait, the blue! The Blue! Noooo!”
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