THE BLOGENNING

29
Jan

5 Mistakes All New Parents Make.

Let me begin by stating I have no children of my own.

I’m still waiting for the ideal womb to come along. My wife knows about this and is completely supportive, I’m assuming.

That being said, I do regularly observe my friends raising their own children. Acting as a silent participant, I watch as these friends improperly perform many simple parenting tasks. (I say “watch” although it’s more cringing than watching.)

It’s almost too laughable to go into detail. The thousands of daily, minute parenting skills so many parents get wrong.

Do I correct my friends? No, that would be extremely rude. Rather, I write an in-depth blog post about their parental negligence for the world to view.

Are my motives perverse and intrusive? Not at all. I’m simply a concerned parent of an unborn baby.

My goal is always clear: Above all else, I want every new parent to absorb the helpful parenting skills I’ve acquired — skills I’ve honed through the art of never raising my own child.

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26
Jan

10 Blizzard Tips To Know Before You Die.

10. Wait before shoveling your driveway.

Resist the urge. Do not shovel your driveway until hours, preferably days after the storm has passed.

No matter how sexy your driveway is looking, all white and fluffy and waiting to be dominated — abstain from shoveling until the patrolling snowplows have finished their routes.

These plows are on our streets to help, but have a tendency to kick 10-foot walls of the white stuff back onto your property, counteracting any early shoveling you may have put in.

Also, there’s always a chance neighborhood children will shovel your driveway in exchange for cash and Turkish Delight.

In conclusion, shoveling early is anti-productive and takes money directly from the pockets of our hardest-working laborers — our children.

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22
Jan

The Top 5 Moments In Phil Henne

Phillip S. Henne, my beloved father, turned 72 this past Sunday.

Dad’s a big fan of the site. Just two days ago he said to me, “David I don’t understand these articles you put up.”

I love my father. We share a bond that transcends language. When dad says he’s confused about content posted on this blog, what he really means is “Why haven’t you put anything about me up on your site?”

It’s because no one would believe the Phil Henne chronicles. They’d argue that any supposed 100% true account of Phil Henne was too fantastic, too naked to believe. Yes, Bob Costas was seduced into eternal life by a deceitful wood nymph who now steals the Costas children’s consonants. I can sell that. People will buy that. But no one would believe half the shit Phil Henne’s been through.

Since it’s his birthday week, we’ll give it a shot anyway. Happy belated birthday, poppa.

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20
Jan

10 Celebrities You Probably Didn’t Know Are From Long Island.

10. Bob Costas

Television’s Bob Costas was raised and educated right here in Commack!

Deceptively elderly despite his years, Bob Costas’ Long Island upbringing is shrouded in mystery.

Legend has it that — after a Suffolk County pixie promised him everlasting life — a teenaged Costas drank from the mythical waters of Lake Ronkonkoma. The enchanted liquid preserved Costas’ youthful visage, and he went on to make millions as a broadcaster/telecommunications marketer.

But the gift of eternal youth came at a steep price.

With every passing year, Lake Ronkonknkoma would seek restitution by stealing a consonant from Bob Costas’ first-born child.

Now, Costas shows his remorse for the pact he made centuries ago in the only way he knows how: By crying tears of blood during each Olympic broadcast.

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15
Jan

5 Secrets The NHL Doesn’t Want You To Know.

5. The Players Used to Wear Adorable Sweaters

Before donning oversized mesh jerseys and layers of padding, players from decades past wore sweaters and little else. 

Did you know original jerseys of the National Hockey League were made of high-quality wool? It’s true. Every official NHL sweater was hand-made by a team’s GM (GrandMother), who was in charge of knitting the team’s shirts, socks and jockstraps.

The GM was also responsible for drumming up business — GMs would promote team games during Bridge with their girlfriends, and by cooking plenty of piping hot celery soup for the fans in attendance. To this day, GMs like Rosemarie Leaf and Nancy Yancy (N.Y.) Rangers set the groundwork for future franchise GMs.

The NHL doesn’t want you to know your overpriced jersey pales in comparison to the personalized handmade sweaters of the olden days. But it REALLY doesn’t want you to learn that…

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13
Jan

7 Simple Steps to Overcoming Stress.

From the grand “What am I doing with my life?” worries to nightly concerns over penis size, stressors require hours, days or months to properly address. And even then, lingering worries can lay dormant — manifesting in the form of a sudden outburst or caffeine pill addiction.

Where does stress come from? How do we regulate bad stress (paranoia, unfounded fears) and take advantage of good stress (new sex stuff)?

The answer lies within.

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09
Jan

Visiting NYC On A Budget.

New York City is one of the most expensive places in the world. No one can afford to live here; most of the pedestrians you pass on the street are actually paid actors or high-profile celebrities of the banking world. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should avoid visiting The Big Apple. How can you afford a fancy day out in the city? All you need to know are these essential tricks of the trade to get by on the cheap and easy!

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06
Jan

New Year’s Resolutions That Will Drive Your Lover Wild.

Learn a second language

There’s nothing sexier than a foreign tongue in the bedroom. (No, I’m not talking about you, Guillermo!) Whispering a flick of French or a lick of Luxembourgish not only succeeds in revving your lover’s engine, but helps buff up your résumé as well (sexually). Sure, this one is a bit daunting, but here’s a quick tip: If you’re spread too thin with all the sexy resolutions you’re picking up and don’t have the time to learn Spanish, just try watching foreign porn with the captions on. It’s super gross — they don’t have access to the same loofas we do in the states — but your lover will appreciate your newfound worldliness. Wildly so.

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17
Dec

Brother, Can You Spare A Little Christmas?

Right now we’ve only got this little Hanukkah. Which, when you consider the amount of days it’s spread across, is just not enough.

What’d really raise our spirit is the pure high of a little Christmas. And you seem like a nice kid, maybe with some good will toward men you ain’t already using.

So what do you say? For, me and my friend here, we need a little Christmas … right this very minute!

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15
Dec

And On Which Day Of Christmas Is My True Love Going to Clean Up All This Bird Shit?

Don’t get me wrong. On the first day of Christmas I was completely smitten with the pear plant. But things went downhill, real fast.

I live in a cramped studio apartment. You knew that, babe. And at this moment I got seven swans a-swimming in their own liquid feces. Seven skittish swans, riled up from six extremely territorial geese that have compromised the living area with in-your-face a-laying.

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