Your Mother And I Are Concerned You Haven’t Been Blogging (by Phil Henne).

Son, I’m worried. We both are, your mother and I. Your blogging has suffered these past two months, and we need to know you’re all right.

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16 Reactions After Visiting Zombie Laser Tag/Ireland

Editor’s Note: This blog was originally intended as two separate entries. They’ve been combined due to budgetary constraints.

For the first installment of David Reviews, I’m taking an intimate look at NYZ Apocalypse — an immersive zombie laser-tag experience in Deer Park, Long Island — while also examining the country of Ireland — a far away land prominently featured in literature, film, and little else.

Earlier this year I visited both destinations with similar results.

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18 Things I Didn’t Appreciate About Susan Until She Was Gone.

This week my wife, Susan Morton, left me. I’m devastated and completely alone, until she returns from her Caribbean cruise this Sunday.

Six months ago Susan’s mom secured a fantastic deal on a Manhattan-to-Bermuda cruise. Susan had no choice but to accompany her after my mother-in-law’s original +1, Satan, dropped out a few weeks back.

It’s been a long and lonely birthday week. Thankfully Susan’s been sending daily photos of open water captioned with uplifting messages, such as these two:

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32 Things You Always Wanted to Know About David Henne but Were Afraid to Ask

By special guest blogger Dan Young.

1)  For three weeks one July, David truly believed he was the Kwisatz Haderach.  It was a frightening and glorious time.

2)  While incredibly fond of his wife Susan, deep down Dave wonders if he would have been happier spending his life with his first real love, Ecto Cooler.

3)  At all times David will insist upon paying with a credit card. He greatly fears change.

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9 Other Times Shia LaBeouf Plagiarized Song Lyrics

Shia LaBeouf made headlines this week, plagiarizing The Anomalies during a topless freestyle — the most high-stakes strain of rapping imaginable. The offending verse? “Rare commodity/The quality is what it’s got to be/And my philosophy/Is much farther than what your eyes can see.”

This isn’t the first instance, either. Shia LaBeouf has ripped off performance artists for years. In case you missed it, here are the most recent examples of Shia plagiarizing musicians.

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Successful New Business Ideas Ready For Market.

The next big thing is out there. Watching you from that elm tree outside your bedroom window. Peering through a set a binoculars. Using a free hand to tease its hard nipples.

Here are the Top 5 new business ideas we need to get out there, like today.

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Address To Graduating Class At Bennington College Of Wrestling

I hope you will all be very happy as members of the professional wrestling class in America. I myself have been rejected again and again. Mostly from consciousness. By unforgiving steel chairs.

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Hizdahr Zo Johnson, Cock Merchant To The Stars!

Penises, penises, PENISES! You want penises, we’ve got them here at Crazy Hizdahr’s Discount Cock Emporium. Thick penises, skinny penises, penises that look like regular penises but are actually dwarf penises! At Crazy Hizdahr’s Discount Cock Emporium, the customer is always left satisfied — because penis!

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The Fight Scene From Netflix’s Daredevil Eats Lunch

The scene opens on a bowl of New England clam chowder, steaming enticingly. Suddenly a spoon (a soup spoon) penetrates the surface of the chowder. The hefty spoonful is raised from the bowl up, up, up. We see that this spoon is wielded by a henchman sitting in a seedy rundown apartment.

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Warby Parker Glasses Unboxing

Warby Parker (WP) is a popular Internet retailer specializing in eyeglasses and sunglasses. WP has several physical locations in New York City, however most of its business comes from its modern, user-friendly website. There are no complications or pitches to sell you higher-end “anti-glare, transition, cataract-preventing” B.S. accessories. Just direct access to hip designs with honest price tags.

Warby Parker is changing the way legally blind people like myself order new frames.

Today, less than a week after placing an order for the chic Bensen frames, I received my package in the mail. Would the product live up to my expectations? I’ve logged the unboxing process here. You won’t believe to what measures Warby Parker goes for its customers!

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