How To Celebrate The Super Chinese New Year’s Eve Bowl.

Tonight is the Super Chinese New Year’s Eve Bowl. How should you celebrate? What should you eat? How many children should you conceive at halftime? The answers will shock you.

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Counting Down The Top 5 Hotel Pools of Long Island

By Special Guest Poster Todd Martin

If you’re like me (Todd Martin), then you appreciate the distinct beauty of a Long Island hotel pool. Extra chlorination, shallow depths and ne’er a lifeguard on duty. It’s pure swimming as it should be.

Now I’m not from Long Island. I’m from a cozy hamlet in upstate New York called Saratoga. Where 5-star restaurants abound. Racetracks and performance centers dazzle. Famous pubs and picturesque hikes attract tourists from across the country.

However Saratoga suffers from a severe lack of aquatic masterpieces, due to our cramped boutique hotels.

Over the last decade, I’ve frequented Long Island to attend friends’ weddings, as well as wolf expos. When I’m Island-side there’s nothing I look forward to more than discovering the majesties of the hotel pool.

Why? Because no Long Island hotel pool is created equal. Each one has its own nuances, crannies, sweet spots. I’ve grown to immensely enjoy the subtleties of these heavenly bodies of water. So much so that I’ve began reviewing them formally for

Unfortunately, the hotel pool review trade involves a high degree of physical danger. Because one cannot experience the true joy of a Long Island hotel pool until one dives in to said pool, head-first, without first checking the depth.

Such is the risk of being a hotel pool aficionado. Here now are the top five Long Island hotel pools that I’ve concussed myself upon.
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The Hottest Fashion Trends of Cold and Flu Season

The temperature dropped to -6°F this week. On late Tuesday I started to run a small fever, my throat became as narrow as my urethra, and I began to experience unexplainable muscle spasms. Fast-forward to Thursday and I’m freebasing a cocktail of codeine, orange juice, and Fintstones chewables.

Which means this is a perfect opportunity to blog about fashion.

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Year-End Recap

It’s been a year of modest success and unforeseen scandal at We’ve come a long way from our first blog post, making memories and lawsuits along the way, even when it looked like we wouldn’t.

What did we learn this year? Who will we never trust again? Let’s take a look back at what worked, what flopped and what left me crippled with fear.

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An Oral History Of The Time We Watched “Selena” In 10th Grade.

The year was 1998. Selena had just been released on VHS, and a nation of 10th grade second-language instructors quivered in delight. This was the movie they had waited for. Stand and Deliver (1988) had run its course, and Dangerous Minds (1995) was much too intense for honors-level Spanish students. Enter Jennifer Lopez, and a heart-shattering tale of fame, jealousy and betrayal.

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My Secrets To Healthy Living

The old saying goes “Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.” So every morning I pillage my neighbor’s oatmeal and newspaper because I’m the Viking King. Then I don’t eat for the rest of the day; I don’t want my status to depreciate.

I go running every day. Even if I’m on my honeymoon at a secluded Cabo bungalow that doesn’t have a treadmill, I’ll jog outside the premises until I get lost. Then I will sprint through scary Mexican backstreets with tears streaking off my face.

I don’t drink soda unless I’m at the movies — or a friend’s house and soda is offered. I don’t eat junk food, unless I’m at that same friend’s house and a hot dog falls on the ground and I’m dared to eat it. Then I’ll chase that hot dog with nachos, a milkshake and several deep-fried Twinkies.

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The Ultimate Long Island Experience.

Since this blog’s rise to prominence, I’ve been repeatedly stopped on the street. My hand shaken. My groin cupped, teeth inspected. Told to walk to the end of the block and back to measure the purebred regality of my gait.

And I’ve been questioned. My God, the questions. “David, will you rank the Top 100 Long Island Diners?” “David, it hurts when I blog — what am I doing wrong?” “David, my toddler won’t eat strained beauregards, should I go back to minced carrots?”

But the most frequently asked question I get is this: “David, what is the Ultimate Long Island Experience?”

This is the only one I’m comfortable answering. And here is what I tell those curious minds …

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What I’d Say To The Pope.

The Pope is gone. He took his Pope plane home, blessing the heavens along the way —  turning our moon the blood of Christ and sprinkling holy water on Mars.

I was at work when the Pope visited New York. But if I had the chance, I would’ve given him a piece of my mind:

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How to Bald Gracefully.

Like two-thirds of men approaching middle age, I’m losing my hair.

This comes as no surprise. My mother’s father was bald. My dad is bald. And when I was 7 a gypsy I’d cut in line at Arby’s placed a curse on me vowing that one day I would lose my luscious hair, and everyone I’d ever loved.

Suffice it to say, I may have had this coming.

I’ve never treated my hair kindly. Like most misguided young men with large chrome ball necklaces and JNCOs, I bleached my hair during the XtReMe 90s. I cut off circulation to it by wearing shirt sleeves as makeshift headbands from 2001-current. And for 20 years I’ve saturated it in so much product that I can still fish out fossilized remnants of LA Looks if I turn upside down and gyrate hard enough.

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Hot Orgies In Your Area Are Looking For You!

Mostly because our usual +1, Gordon, has fallen out of favor.

Gordon is a classic example of how NOT to behave at an orgy. He’s consistently late, or brings the wrong animal mask.

Gordon’s the type of orgy participant who’ll get caught in traffic, forget his overnight bag of essential orgy items, and think it’s fine to show up halfway through the orgy with a 60-count of Dunkin’ Donut munchkins. Like those donut holes will make up for the neglected human holes.

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