THE BLOG

01
May

The Untold Story Of Sir Splendid (Chapter One, Part One)

Call me Sir Splendid. The Mostly Invincible Sir Splendid. He Who Splends. Friend to All, Regardless of Stature, Station or Splendidness. The Man That Santa Forgot.

Or don’t. Honestly, names aren’t everything.

My real one is David Robert Henne, for example.

Not a particularly impressive title, I’ll be the first to admit. Doesn’t elicit images of a thick-haired, musclebound Lothario. Typically generates the portrait of a balding man with irritable bowels who cannot eat baking chocolate after 6 p.m., despite his every effort.

“Sir Splendid” on the other hand. Sir Splendid is my superhero moniker. Was my superhero moniker — have to get used to saying that.

As of two months ago, I no longer hold the mantle of Sir Splendid. The super powers upon which I built my legacy are no longer in my possession. A series of atrocities, of which I am completely innocent, led to my losing the very source of those gifts. And now I’ve reverted to the eczema-riddled David Robert Henne again.

…You know what, I’d prefer it if you did call me Sir Splendid.

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25
Apr

Telemarketing Scams to Watch Out For

No act of telephone deviancy is more heinous than the dreaded telemarketing scam. What starts as a pleasant call from a Phoenix area code can quickly devolve into a hostile exchange — leaving you confused, angry and desperate for answers.

I myself lost an entire year of my life to a telemarketing scam. This all started last May, during my morning commute to work.

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24
May

Father’s Day Gift Suggestions (From My Father)

If you’re like me, Phil Henne, then you already own all the possessions you desire — a 2002 Ford Mustang and six pairs of casual men’s yoga pants.

So what to do when the “Papa, what do you want for Father’s Day?” queries rain down from your children like needy festive raindrops? Simple. You follow these steps:

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03
May

3 Ways to Repurpose Your Out-of-Season Candles

Susan likes to keep candles around the apartment. At least five in each room.

candlesforsusan

Here are all the candles currently residing in our four-room apartment, which I gathered and displayed end-to-end. I took this photo while Susan was napping. She doesn’t like having candles rearranged for selfish reasons.

 

We own a candle simply named “Autumn” that is displayed prominently by the door. It’s the first thing a guest sees when they visit, in early May. We own a candle called “Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin.” If there was a Hanukkah-scented candle for sale in lieu of scentless menorahs, we’d have several of those laying around from mitzvahs past.

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14
Apr

Todd Doyle: Farm-To-Table Man of Mystery (Chapter 2 • The First Time It Shouldn’t Taste Like Blood)

Part One

Agent Todd Doyle was 14, the day of his first confirmed kill. The event itself was a complete catastrophe that set US military training exercises back 40 years.

It was supposed to be a routine simulation — no live rounds, within a controlled setting. But this was Todd Doyle, a living round unto himself.

“That’s some good sim-room combat there, Doyle,” General Ganje said, punching the intercom button from behind a two-way mirror. “Next time rip the hologram’s throat out after you incapacitate him. We didn’t pay extra for real-life throats on these hologram terrorists for nothing, you know.”

“Sorry General,” 14-year-old Todd Doyle answered from inside the simulation room, which was rebooting between exercises and now resembled an axis grid splashed against the walls, ceiling and floor.

“You’re wasting taxpayer money by not ripping out those throats,” the General reiterated.

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07
Apr

TD: Chapter 1 • Origins and Origies (Part 3)

Part Three

“Never saw anything like it,” the first responder said, his eyes still wide. “Nude orgy fighting.”

“It was like, like coming across a big flailing pretzel,” the second responder said, choking back tears, “…with penis.”

The two dispatched firemen sat on the rear bumper of their fire truck. Between sobs they sipped piping hot cocoa — blankets draped over their shoulders to combat orgy-observing-induced hypothermia.

In the meadow before them sat a smoldering seven-foot wide heap. Todd Doyle’s teepee was no more. Where just an hour prior stood a proud tribute to Mother Gaia, now lay a puddle of hemp and soy.

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31
Mar

TD: Chapter 1 • Origins and Origies (Part 2)

Part Two

The frigid November air cut through the teepee like a field-issue RaptoRazor.

Beneath its canvas walls, support poles and smokehole, the erected tarpaulin sheltered three sweat-soaked bodies at rest: Two comely Spanish exchange students from the local university, and one hardened student of life—Todd Doyle.

The night was serene, the lovers tender, though sleep did not come easy for Todd Doyle. He tossed and turned atop the sustainable forestry-oriented futon, shooing away pairs of boobies and buttcheeks in favor of a moment’s respite from the waking world.

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24
Mar

Todd Doyle: Farm-To-Table Man of Mystery (Chapter 1 • Origins and Origies)

Part One

Toddsworth Kingsley Doyle was 12, the day his father gave him the talk.

“Toddsworth, my dear boy, I imagine you’ve begun to notice certain curious changes in and about your physique,” Eustace Doyle said, pinching his smoking tobacco as he packed his pipe. “You’re at the glorious age of pubescence, when certain abilities will manifest themselves.”

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07
Mar

Build Your Own Republican Candidate!

Race

  1. White
  2. Black
  3. Asian
  4. Hispanic
  5. Probably not a good idea to venture this far down, have you considered “1”?

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17
Feb

The 10 Best Jobs In America (According to GlassDoor)

In this post, we’ll take a closer look at the top jobs in America recently released by GlassDoor. Number 6 will shock you! So will No. 3, but not as dramatically as No. 6. Seriously, just skip to No. 6!

1. Data Scientist
Median Base Salary: $125K

screenpoint

The Data Scientist analyzes sales figures, typically while standing over the shoulder of a co-worker and pointing at his screen. The entire office’s job is to maximize the Data Scientist’s point at all costs.

Did you know? Data Scientists have a higher mortality rate than steelworkers, subway maintenance men and postal service workers—combined.


2. Engagements Manager
Median Base Salary: $120K

screenpoint2

The Engagements Manager directs all attention to the largest computer screen in the office by pointing at it. “Is that what I think it is?” and “Wait a minute, is that figure accurate?” are phrases that no one should ever utter in the presence of an Engagements Manager. Because there’s no way to know.

Did you know? Engagements Manager is the oldest profession in the modern workplace, with a job birth of September 24, 2012.

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07
Feb

How To Celebrate The Super Chinese New Year’s Eve Bowl.

Tonight is the Super Chinese New Year’s Eve Bowl. How should you celebrate? What should you eat? How many children should you conceive at halftime? The answers will shock you.

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26
Jan

Counting Down The Top 5 Hotel Pools of Long Island

By Special Guest Poster Todd Martin

If you’re like me (Todd Martin), then you appreciate the distinct beauty of a Long Island hotel pool. Extra chlorination, shallow depths and ne’er a lifeguard on duty. It’s pure swimming as it should be.

Now I’m not from Long Island. I’m from a cozy hamlet in upstate New York called Saratoga. Where 5-star restaurants abound. Racetracks and performance centers dazzle. Famous pubs and picturesque hikes attract tourists from across the country.

However Saratoga suffers from a severe lack of aquatic masterpieces, due to our cramped boutique hotels.

Over the last decade, I’ve frequented Long Island to attend friends’ weddings, as well as wolf expos. When I’m Island-side there’s nothing I look forward to more than discovering the majesties of the hotel pool.

Why? Because no Long Island hotel pool is created equal. Each one has its own nuances, crannies, sweet spots. I’ve grown to immensely enjoy the subtleties of these heavenly bodies of water. So much so that I’ve began reviewing them formally for davidhenne.com.

Unfortunately, the hotel pool review trade involves a high degree of physical danger. Because one cannot experience the true joy of a Long Island hotel pool until one dives in to said pool, head-first, without first checking the depth.

Such is the risk of being a hotel pool aficionado. Here now are the top five Long Island hotel pools that I’ve concussed myself upon.
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21
Jan

The Hottest Fashion Trends of Cold and Flu Season

The temperature dropped to -6°F this week. On late Tuesday I started to run a small fever, my throat became as narrow as my urethra, and I began to experience unexplainable muscle spasms. Fast-forward to Thursday and I’m freebasing a cocktail of codeine, orange juice, and Fintstones chewables.

Which means this is a perfect opportunity to blog about fashion.

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31
Dec

Year-End Recap

It’s been a year of modest success and unforeseen scandal at davidhenne.com. We’ve come a long way from our first blog post, making memories and lawsuits along the way, even when it looked like we wouldn’t.

What did we learn this year? Who will we never trust again? Let’s take a look back at what worked, what flopped and what left me crippled with fear.

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02
Nov

An Oral History Of The Time We Watched “Selena” In 10th Grade.

The year was 1998. Selena had just been released on VHS, and a nation of 10th grade second-language instructors quivered in delight. This was the movie they had waited for. Stand and Deliver (1988) had run its course, and Dangerous Minds (1995) was much too intense for honors-level Spanish students. Enter Jennifer Lopez, and a heart-shattering tale of fame, jealousy and betrayal.

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