THE BLOG

17
Dec

Brother, Can You Spare A Little Christmas?

Right now we’ve only got this little Hanukkah. Which, when you consider the amount of days it’s spread across, is just not enough.

What’d really raise our spirit is the pure high of a little Christmas. And you seem like a nice kid, maybe with some good will toward men you ain’t already using.

So what do you say? For, me and my friend here, we need a little Christmas … right this very minute!

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15
Dec

And On Which Day Of Christmas Is My True Love Going to Clean Up All This Bird Shit?

Don’t get me wrong. On the first day of Christmas I was completely smitten with the pear plant. But things went downhill, real fast.

I live in a cramped studio apartment. You knew that, babe. And at this moment I got seven swans a-swimming in their own liquid feces. Seven skittish swans, riled up from six extremely territorial geese that have compromised the living area with in-your-face a-laying.

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10
Dec

How To Produce Jaw-Dropping Work On Less Sleep.

David, how do I meet deadlines today when I was up all night networking with prospective bros? 

Easily: You work through the fatigue. Because working on little-to-no sleep is absolutely essential in today’s economy.

Listen, the 9-to-5 workday is a relic. As are hour-long lunches, smoke breaks, and any other proponent of the milquetoast working class. Good luck finding a job in the global marketplace if you refuse to work nights, weekends, and the high holidays.

Two important truths before we delve into the juicy REM (Really Earth-shattering Motivational) passages of this post:

  1. There’s always a younger, more vibrant version of you who’s willing to work more hours for less pay. There’s also a version with a less intimidating nose.
  2. The requisite eight hours recommended by most “sleep scientists” is a scam. Just another excuse for you to lay complacently in bed and not achieve your full potential.

Where are the most valuable resources housed in the human body? In the nutrient-rich dark circles under the eyes. There’s a reason they’re called “Bags.” Because they are stuffed with potential!

— Benjamin Franklin, renowned sleep expert; ex-president

What if there were a way to achieve more while working on less sleep? And what if this insomnia-paneled doorway led to a better you?

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04
Dec

The Dangling Modifier At The End Of This Blog Post.

What did that say? On the title, what did that say? Did that say that there will be a dangling modifier at the end of this blog post? It did? Reading the title again, my stomach just dropped. Oh I’m so scared of dangling modifiers!

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02
Dec

Leftovers, And Why They’re Destroying The American Office.

We’re almost halfway through the post-Thanksgiving workweek, aka The Stuffening.

Under the guise of team building, many co-workers use this week to donate their holiday leftovers. These foods will sit in the breakroom wearing playful Post-Its such as: “Turkish Delight, ‘Gobble’ It Up!”

Sounds fun, right?

Wrong. Holiday leftovers are a huge liability, laced with partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and malcontent.

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01
Dec

Taking The Fear Out Of A Blank Sheet Of Paper.

Clear your workspace of all clutter. Turn off your cellphone, television, iPad — any and all distractions. Establish that this writing session has been set aside for the two of you to experiment: Just you, and your blank sheet of paper.

Dim the lights. Turn up the light jazz, and the thermostat to Fahrenheit 450: The temperature at which a blank sheet paper releases every inhibition.

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